Truth as Ive Lived It

T

I dont always look at myself

before I leave in the morning.

Mostly because

She saw something in the mirror that terrified her:
her fathers face.

Some days,

Im in front of the mirror

And I stare

and I stare
and I stare

And I am an astronaut

floating farther

and farther

away

While my body is in a place that I dont quite understand
Yet

You have to fight for yourself

But I don’t know if I can always keep up the fight

by myself

Find my self-worth

in other people validating my body as
good enough, as trans enough

And the thing is,

I want that.
I want it so, so bad.

But then. Im back in my own skin.

I fix my hair and my face

so my day can begin.

And then,

there are other days

Where I look and actually

Smile.

And I know that I can be

anything you want.

And let everyone else stare

for a while.

Some days, I am dangerous
and want you to know.

Beautiful, powerful, untouchable,
Whole.

Most days, I am just me,
whatever that means.

To blur between bodies

Not male,
Not female,

Not quite.

 

its exhausting.
But not impossible.

About the author

Joan Zahra Dark

Hi! I'm Joan Zahra Dark, currently one of the worker-owners of Bluestockings Cooperative, a bookstore and community space based in the Lower East Side of NYC. I'm a writer and public speaker for my job and in my free time as well as a critic on various websites alongside this one! I love talking about queer comics, trans speculative fiction and why we all want to bang and/or be robots!

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By Joan Zahra Dark

Joan Zahra Dark

Hi! I'm Joan Zahra Dark, currently one of the worker-owners of Bluestockings Cooperative, a bookstore and community space based in the Lower East Side of NYC. I'm a writer and public speaker for my job and in my free time as well as a critic on various websites alongside this one! I love talking about queer comics, trans speculative fiction and why we all want to bang and/or be robots!

Get in touch

You can reach me for writing jobs, speaking engagements, consulting work and anything else at mxjoandark@gmail.com!